It’s been a real, but unexpectedly tough day. A few humbling situations have placed my life in a different view for me. I’ve been working on it, but even more-so now, I’m starting to realize that I need to figure out what makes me happy. It’s affecting decisions that change all aspects of my life. Not what makes him or her or them happy, but what makes me happy. Vacations are only once a year, so I need something fulfilling when I can’t be on San Diego beaches or at a resort.
Everything that I’ve been doing since undergraduate graduation in 2014, is something to get me in a better place in life, which obviously leads to money and financially driven goals. Reading books, learning new fields, investing, getting my MBA, etc… I wonder if life has already burnt me out already at 30 years old. My mind is always on go, and I’m consistently on to the next..whatever that may be. I didn’t think anything was wrong with being this type of person, but I’m also realizing that I may not be here tomorrow, or being successful just may not be in the cards for me. Also, things don’t happen overnight, so I may as well learn some patience and find something to curb my appetite. This isn’t an overnight issue. I’ve grown and matured leaps and bounds in these four years. I have no doubt that I’ll pull through, its just that I’m right smack dab in the middle of my struggle right now, and i’m curious as to how things will play out.
Adult life isn’t quite what I expected, nor as fun. It comes with a lot of decision making, bullshit, late night thoughts and sacrificing for the greater good of everyone other than you and your feelings. I didn’t care about graduating. I didn’t care about being promoted. I’m so far removed from adult life and working. I have no respect for transactional leaders, which affects my ability to even care about work performance.Do transformational leaders really exist in life or is that just a nice textbook work discussed in HR courses? You don’t believe in bringing others up? Well, I don’t believe in respecting those that don’t respect me. I try to always remember to never play the victim, but when I know what I’ve been through, acknowledge my faults, continue to grow, and still see a lack of success, it becomes hard to keep the faith in others and situations that I don’t have any control over.
I can’t honestly tell you what genuinely helps me relax at this point in life. I don’t know where the bright spot is or if life will ever give me clarity. Alcohol helps, but I do believe I have addictive traits, so those types of things are kept to a minimum and must have basis. What the average American considers fun, i’ve grown away from. Watching sports, clubbing, being a couch potato. My life is in shambles.
My escape was music production and being creative for years, so i think that I’ll definitely pick it back up soon. It brought me an escape from reality, and allowed my mind a break from thinking so much. Realizing the low barriers of entry for anything creative in today’s market, I strayed away from this and put all of my efforts into securing my future with something a bit more stable.
At some point, life told me that I needed to be smart and choose a career over creativity. I can’t say that this train of thought is wrong, but I can’t say that it is 100% accurate either. I’m not worried about bills since I have a career, but I am worried about my sanity and mental stability. I really wonder who set the world up for others to believe that school would make you successful. In my experience, the world doesn’t give a shit. I’ve went through the motions of college twice, and neither degree has turned me into who I’d like to be.
College doesn’t teach you how to navigate through the world when things aren’t going as expected. College doesn’t teach you emotional intelligence. College doesn’t teach you patience. College doesn’t teach you how to coexist with those that live on different principles than you. College has built me up to believe my own hype, and I’ve been eating humble pie served cold for 4 years now. College means absolutely nada in my eyes. I have an MBA from a non-degree mill, but I also have a ton of student loan debt, and my salary nor my title match the work that I’ve put in. Where did I go wrong? I believe I went wrong in a few places. Cultivating relationships with others that care, following what people I don’t want to be like said, and doing things for strictly financial gain as opposed to a mixture of happiness and financial benefits.
I’ve found myself going down this rabbit hole that the world built for people who find joy in things I don’t find joy in. I pursued a college degree to be successful, but I didn’t think through what my terms of being successful were versus what a college considers successful. I’ve learned now that my successful isn’t necessarily college graduate successful.
I’ve made decisions based off of other’s lives and opinions when I should simply be being true to myself. This has clouded my judgement. I don’t know what purpose I serve in a professional manner. I don’t know what my skill-set is. I don’t know if I have any gifts or talents…but, i’m a man..a man with a child and family to provide for, so I just have to figure it out.
Is this real life and I just need to suck it up? Do I really have to give in to the other side and become someone I don’t want to be. Do I really have to work a position/job I have no attachment to, to get what I’m after in life?
I’m confident that I’ll be able to look back on this one day and laugh and smile knowing that life has turned out to be far better than my wildest expectations.